Lilywhite47's Blog

Life is looking up

lilywhite47 — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 20:53:17 +0000

So it has been a long time since I have posted anything new but I have been just so busy I have not had any time to. I have honestly been spending 10-14 hours a day at school and come in for several hours on the weekends too. So ya, it has been crazy and I just have not been able to keep up with updates.

But on to more exciting news!!

So there is this boy at school, D, who I have had a total crush on for…well, a while now. Anyway, I would always see him at school, often multiple times a day but I didn’t actually know him. That all changed on thursday night. He was in a show (he’s a painter) and my room mate, KJ, and I went to the closing reception. He came up and introduced himself and we talked for quite some time. Anyway last night I went to school to work, because I am just that cool that I spend my fri nights at school. I ran into him in the hallway around 7/7:30 we ended up talking until like midnight and then decided to go to a pub for a drink. We stayed there until they were pretty much kicking us out. So, needless to say, I am happy right now.

P.S. I was waiting for him inside the pub and a guy tried to pick me up but then D walked in and they guy realized that we came together and randomly went up to D and shook his hand and left. It was so weird but so funny. D thought I knew him or that he was an ex or something and I was like nope, just some random who started talking to me. But you know what they say, guys want what other guys want, so I think it was probably to my advantage that that happened.

So Angry!

lilywhite47 — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 02:36:47 +0000

I am so angry right now. When I calm down a bit I may elaborate but for now just know that I am very unimpressed!!

So we weren’t friends?

lilywhite47 — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 04:50:04 +0000

So I am a little upset when I sat down and thought about stuff and realized that males apparently are not able to be friends with females. Why is this? On “When Harry Met Sally” Harry explains his theory which basically comes down to guys inability to keep it in their pants. I was thinking about my male “friends” currently and in the past and realized that this is too true. All the male friends I have had have not lasted long because they usually end up liking me and then either making a move or just getting weird and the friendship gets ruined. I am kind of upset about this. I get told that we are “just friends” which apparently either means ‘I like you but don’t have the balls to actually make a move so I will just get close to you this way and one day MAY do something about it’ or ‘hey I am going to flirt with you and act like I like you but since we are “just friends” I have no commitment to you and can go hook up with other people’. Awesome. Honestly if anyone actually reads this and has a legit friendship with a girl (decently attractive, not sure if it applies to unfortunate people…) please tell me about it. Please give me some hope that it is indeed possible. For my experience you can’t develop a really close friendship with the opposite sex without it getting ruined somehow.

P.S. It can also go that the girl is the one that becomes interested in more but in my case it is usually the guy…

I’m getting bored waiting around for you

lilywhite47 — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:12:10 +0000

So I heard this line in a song and it seemed to be so true right now. I am so frustrated with a certain someone!

Question: Why bothering starting up a conversation with someone if you don’t want to continue. So P gave me his number and told me to text him. We would have conversations and he would respond quickly but then other times he would never reply or reply hours or even a day later. Now I have not heard from him in 2 days. There are other people would want to hear from me so if he doesn’t he should just say so and I will happily stop talking to him (which I have done anyway). So sick of his nonsense, I feel like he is always playing this crap with me. Why do I keep thinking that he has changed?! It was been going on for about 6 years and yet I keep thinking maybe this time he is actually serious. I have no idea what is going on in his head, I really don’t. He keeps saying how he really does care about getting to know me better yet he will randomly stop talking to me. Whatever, I don’t need this, I really don’t.

Two in one day

lilywhite47 — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 03:32:52 +0000

I know, I don’t write anything for a long time now two in one day.

I am really sick of guys today. There I said it. What happened?! I swear guys do not have the same character as they did in the past. I am so sick of their crap! I have one guy who has been trying to date for a while now and I finally decided to MAYBE consider going for coffee or something then all of a sudden he stops talking to me. What is the point? Why bother starting a conversation (relationship, whatever you want to call it) and then just stop. Why waste the effort unless you know what you want. I think that is my biggest issue. I just really want a guy who knows what he wants and doesn’t mess around. I am so sick of indecision!

I started talking to J again the past few weeks. I didn’t want anymore negative energy so I was trying to clear that out. Anyway it was all good, we were talking just like nothing happened. I didn’t want to bring it up, I just wanted to move on. I want to make it clear that all I want is to be friends, nothing else, I’ve been down that road and I don’t like where it leads. So I decide to go with him and his friend to go watch the meteor shower (first time we hung out since last year). Long story short he was acting more than friendly which makes me worried. We haven’t hung out since then, just have texted and whatnot so I guess we will see.

Another awkward/funny story I just remembered! So it was my friend’s birthday so a bunch of us met at a pub to celebrate. She invited some of the people that I had a falling out with last year. Anyway this guy E, who I kinda had a very short-lived thing with (he got clingy and weird, it was like a week and so I told him it wasn’t going to work, we acted a little bit like a 12-year old girl…) was there…with his new gf…and her sister…who I had a falling out with. Ya awesome ensemble huh? He got very, very drunk. So he came up and was talking with me, totally thought it was fine but then he was like “well I better go sit with my GF” so I was like ok whatever. Not really that weird, he was kinda bitter afterward so understandable he wants to make it perfectly clear that he has a gf already. Again, whatever, I really don’t care, hence the whole telling him to back off thing. When he left it got awkward. He was oddly aggressive with me. It was like he was trying to be all casual but punched my shoulder REALLY hard. It really hurt. I sensed some anger. Kinda uncomfortable. Haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know how to explain it, but definitely awkwardness.

Pretty sure this whole thing is a ramble, I apologize, I’m in a weird state right now.

Don’t know what to say…

lilywhite47 — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:03:06 +0000

So it has come to my attention that I have not posted anything in quite some time. I don’t know why this is, especially since I have many thoughts in my head and spend too much time on my computer. For some reason though, lately, I just have my little convos/rants inwardly and don’t bother to actually post it. Bad! I have always been terrible at keeping a journal or diary. You wouldn’t believe the amount of diaries that have only been written in for a week then abandoned. Quite sad really.

I just finished watching Schindler’s List which is a horribly, wonderful movie. Very intense and quite stressful to watch but so powerful. I will never understand how people can do that to other human beings and feel nothing. They considered them as not even people but more similar to rats or lice. This does not make sense to me. How can you look at someone who looks just like you and think of them as more similar to vermin. The eyes are the same, skin is the same, ears are the same yet they are not the same? It seems like a contradiction to me. Even now there are people who believe that the holocaust never happened. HOW can someone believe that? Especially when there are so many witnesses, the camps still exist (some of them) and yet they believe it was all made up? Anyway I can’t talk about this anymore, it just makes me upset.

I saw something interesting on 20/20 last week. They were doing a story on people who believed that they were actually vampires. You know, the kind of vampires that are mortal and don’t drink blood and don’t have fangs…. Anyway these people honestly believed that they were in fact vampires but yet they had no characteristics of anything abnormal. Majority of them fed on “psychic energy” not blood. I am not sure what exactly made them believe they were vampires especially since the main factor one must possess to be a vampire is to be undead. These people were very much alive and could be killed like anyone else. I think it has more to do with belonging. The people that were interviewed seemed to me to be people that were socially awkward, maybe a little different and probably had a hard time with personal relationships. By being a “vampire” they joined a type of community, one where they were accepted and befriended. They found a group of people that were like-minded and probably were of a similar personality-type. This is of course just a theory but that is what I think.

A lot of crazy stuff has been going on in my personal life but its too hard to explain right now but maybe if you stay tuned something will come out

Thanks for reading, go in peace

Big nights

lilywhite47 — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:12:16 +0000

I had a couple of big nights this week. I had my designs modeled in my first ever fashion show. I was a nervous wreck and quite unsure about how they would be received. To my surprise I had a lot of very positive feedback! I had my picture taken for several publications, had people ask about my designs and even a commission or two. Overall it was quite a success and went much better than anticipated especially considering this was my first time creating something I designed (with very limited sewing experience).

I had wonderful support from many people which I am really grateful for. What really surprised me though is that out of all the people I invited to come see my show (I invited MANY people) only one person showed up. Out of everyone I invited the only person who came (besides family) was J. This was a huge night for me and no one came except for him. I am really conflicted. I thought that my friends understood what a huge deal this was to me but apparently not. As for J, even though we have had a confusing time in the last few months, he came. Not only that, he was super excited for me when I told him about what a success it was. My friends that modeled for me are excluded from this because they were amazing and were there for me through the whole thing. They knew how much this meant to me and were fantastic!

So basically I just want to say how much people’s support meant to me and that I was surprised by some but not by others.

That is all.

To Grope or Not To Grope…?

lilywhite47 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:23:38 +0000

Ok so I am really concerned with the world right now. I am in a wearable art (ie. crazy fashion) class at school and we have an event coming up. Part of the event is going to this gala party with a bunch of rich, well known people as well as media types. Our teacher today was saying that you have to be aware that people will try and grope you because they are rich, privileged and drunk. Excuse me?! So apparently because I am an artist people think that it is appropriate to come up and grope me? I guess my teacher’s outfit has strainers on the breasts so she expects people to try and cop a feel. I’m sorry but I think that that is extremely inappropriate not to mention tasteless. This town has so many nouveau riche its ridiculous, low class people with too much money and no concept of etiquette. I believe that someone (mainly this affects females) should be able wear whatever they want without being in fear of some stranger trying to get fresh with them. It is horrible that society has considered this to be normal. You go to what is considered a classy event only to be harassed by drunk men. I might as well go to a club if I wanted to be treated like that (side note: I don’t frequent clubs for this very reason). I don’t think that it is a lot to ask to expect someone you don’t know to keep their hands to themselves. If I don’t know you chances are I don’t want your grubby paws all over me!

Toxic relationships

lilywhite47 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 23:25:51 +0000

What do you do when someone you care about is in a bad relationship? This has happened to people around me so often! Usually it has to do with the boyfriend being a loser/lazy bum or the girl changing to what the boy wants. Why can’t people be in a relationship and still be independent? It seems like as soon as you decide that you are officially together you have to spend every waking hour together and share all the same interests. This just isn’t practical! I have had to end “things” (I didn’t consider them really relationships yet) because the guy expected me to be like that. How can I go from being independent and used to having “me time” to never being alone. Every time I was busy or just wanted to hang out by myself he asked if I was breaking up with him…and I eventually did because it just wasn’t what I wanted or needed at that point in my life. I am sure there will be people who I will want to hang out with most of the time but I am the type of person who needs a quiet night alone every now and again to stay sane. If you smother me or try to change me I will bolt. I have made a decision to not let people change me. If my boyfriend told me to grow out my hair I would most likely go and cut it off. I don’t think that that is fair to do to a person. If you like them and want to be together you should accept them as they are not look at them as a “fixer-upper”.

In conclusion: Don’t let people change you or make you feel you need to change. It can happen that you believe that you should adopt their interests and they never say a thing but that is still not healthy. Be yourself and if that doesn’t seem to be enough get out. That is all I have to say.

P.S. If you start a relationship don’t alienate your friends. I have a friend who lost all her friends because all she did was hang out with her boyfriend and I didn’t hear from her for like a year. Then when they broke up she didn’t have anyone to turn to, it was sad. She also changed her style/hair/makeup and started fake n’ bakin and her boyfriend didn’t want that but she thought he did. If he liked you in the beginning why would you feel it necessary to change into a different person? It isn’t very logical, but that was her choice I guess. Just a cautionary tale to anyone reading this…

Actions speak louder than words

lilywhite47 — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:53:49 +0000

I definitely will take actions to be more truthful than words. Some people need the words to reassure them but I think that it is much harder to actually do something than just talk about. I was having a conversation with A a while back about different ways that people express themselves. Apparently however you express yourself is how you prefer people to express themselves to you. If you are a mushy word person than that is how you like to know someone cares about you. If you are an action person than other people’s actions will let you know how they feel. As you can imagine I am an action person. Also just from personal experience I think actions are more important than words. It doesn’t take much to just talk about something, it is actually doing it that is the hard part a lot of the time. I can not even count how many times I have been told that guys like me, or that they have been “into me for over a year” or even loved me yet they fall short on actually doing anything about it. I think if you really cared about someone you would try and let them know not just talk to other people about it. Maybe I am wrong but that is how I see it. I could care less about what they say to someone else about how they feel, if they can’t prove it to me it means nothing. I have been let down too many times with this kind of situation. Guys go around telling my friends or their friends how much they like me but then never do anything. Confidence is hot; knowing what you want and going after it, very hot! Talking about how you like someone but being a pansy about it….ya not so hot. So my advice to all the guys out there: Go after what or who you want! Your chances of winning greatly improve if you enter the contest.